I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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