so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
