You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
