I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
