I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
