Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
