Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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