i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
she peed on how many people?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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