I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
