You're my little dorito
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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