My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
