Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
