Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
