I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
