I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Randomize
