If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
