Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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