I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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