Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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