Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
