You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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