GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
