oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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