I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
