ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
