Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
