so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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