I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Randomize
