the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
