I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
