Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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