This is not my ceiling
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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