Who wears a wallet chain?!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
