Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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