two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
