i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
