I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
