I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
