I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
