yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
