fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
