I will die if light touches me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Randomize
