I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
