Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
