I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
