Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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