I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
