its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
