im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
