my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
a search helicopter?!
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
